Thanksgiving 2016

It has been more than 2 years since I last posted! Time flies. During this time God has given us baby thaddaeus and baby charis! Amazing grace God is so good :) Our family size has doubled! 

Here's my thanksgiving as 2016 draws to an end:

1. Thank God for bringing QL through pregnancy and safe delivery & skilled gynae.

2. Thank God for good health of bbcharis and for protecting bbthad many times during accidents.

3. Thank God for good reputation at workplace & contentment with work

4. Thank God for year end break to enjoyable time with family and rest from work

5. Thank God that ql can handle two kids at home and happy with her calling

6. Thank God for the courage to go single income and providing the finances we need & wisdom to manage money

7. Thank God for parents and in laws who helped out with buying food and taking care during confinement period and generous angbaos

8. Thank God that ql can attend bible study at BSF and spiritual intake

9. Thank God for bbthad very guai to sleep and generally easy to take care of

10. Thank God to be able to still keep in contact with JC friends

Letter to my Wife

The biggest thing to happen to us happened just 2 nights ago, 5 months into our marriage. Wednesday night, the revelation came as a shock to us, totally unexpected. We were going for routine checkup for our first baby. He or she was to reach the second trimester, where we thought things will become easier, the so-called "honeymoon" period of pregnancy. Instead our gynae Dr. Koh dropped bad news on us. Baby was suffering from a condition called hygroma with many genetic complications and limbs wise were not fully developed. That was all we know that night. Dr Koh sent us for a second opinion at Thomson. He didn't have much hope of a better diagnosis, but to be fair to the baby we went. I struggled much with what to do. Qiaoli broke down in the taxi and that night, she could not sleep at all. Thursday morning was worse. The ultrasound scan was even more detailed and indeed showed our baby with multiple fetal abnormalities. We asked, "Is it fatal"? To which we got a straight reply "Yes". Once the doctor got out of room, Qiaoli broke down again. It was too much for her to take. For some reason I did not cry. I needed to be strong. We went back Dr. Koh this time with Pastor with us to hear things straight from the doctor. I did not want to make a wrong decision, but Dr. Koh was clear. Medically for the baby, he advised abortion. He had refrained using the word last night while we were still shocked with the news. This time, with two doctors' opinions, he made it clear to us - strongly discouraging qiaoli to continue this pregnancy. It was so painful. We told our parents the news and they were supportive. Nonetheless it was hard for us. That night, we cried together on the sofa. That night we sang songs on our bed. "It is well with my soul", "What a Friend we have in Jesus". God is with us, God is with us. We don't know why this has to happen to us, but He is with us through it all. To my wife: You have been so strong. This pregnancy has caused so much fear for us - the late ovulation, the spotting which require weekly jabs, and now this. You are carrying the baby alone while I can only look. You have done your best and this is God's will - we need not blame ourselves. I pray for peace and strength as we go through this together. We have no idea why this happened to us, but God is always good. At no point - no even when Dr. Koh broke the news to us - did he reject us. His love is everlasting and he does not withdraw it from us. We know it from the cross. If he sent Jesus to die for us, the last thing we can accuse him of is that he doesn't care. If God did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Rom 8:32) He has promised good to us, with the cross the first installment of that goodness. We don't know how this will turn for good, but it will. It brought us closer together. It brought us to cry together and depend on each other for support and know we cannot do without each other. It brought us to trust in God when things did not go our way. It brought us to praise him not only in prosperity but also in adversity. The same night we cried on sofa, that same night we sang "Bless the Lord O my soul". Jesus died, so that the only suffering that can really hurt us, is removed. No other suffering can hurt us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.(Rom 8:35-37) They will only be tools for God to mould us for our good, to refine our faith until it is precious & valuable & genuine unto salvation. Therefore be strong my wife, I will be here with you. God will be here, sympathizing, understanding every suffering we go through. God will shower blessings upon us at his own timing. We shall see our child again in heaven. I love you, be strong my dear.

Enjoyable Trip to Bangkok... and Looking Ahead

Last 5 days I spent all the time (24 hours) with Q. I think this is the first time we spent so much time and personal time together! Thank God for putting together this trip with my parents. It was also the first time I travelled with them. It was shopping craze from start to end, and Q and I really bought many things for ourselves, friends and family. We visited several night markets and the endless stalls in the malls which sold dirt cheap stuff. More importantly we also spent precious time with my mum and dad. I was also very happy to see Q click so well with my mum, and both of them were talking and holding hands together and having an enjoyable time too. Q is right that we have to learn from our parents especially in the area of communication. Everything must be open, otherwise once we start having secrets worse things will follow. Nothing is more enjoyable than an open, trustworthy relationship and I hope I will nurture this with Q. Also I realized we have improved in our communications during the trip. Although here and there we miscommed, Q did not get mad, but rather just gave in to me. I would love to see more of this from her. She also came up with new nickname again, this time calling me "Boyfriend". Aiyoyo. I just love her more and more =) Looking ahead, I am only one week away from working! I am really apprehensive about this, and I need to trust God about this. I keep imagining to myself, whether I will struggle at work. Sometimes I imagine I will struggle with the technical work, especially with so many things to learn and handle. Sometimes I imagine I will struggle communicating with the adults, with so different worldviews. Sometimes I imagine I might get trapped in the politics happening there and be unhappy about work. Or I might have less time with Q once I start work, or get more tired easily and unable to do what I want. Work life will really be very different from study life when so much more is expected of you, and there is no way you can slack off. Also, I really need more discipline in my spiritual life to cope, especially when I will spend more than 12 hours working and travelling, and by the time I reach home most likely I will just want to rest. So pray for me, that I will trust God for this transition, work hard to build relationships with my colleagues, and also have a disciplined lifestyle to do my QT and other work.

A Hard and Heart Matter - Our Worst Quarrel

It was Good Friday, a day of peace and reconciliation. Yet I quarreled with Q over a very small issue. On one hand it was a small issue that I expect both of us to settle quickly. On the other hand, deep down, it was a big issue - a issue with our hearts that made it hard to settle.

On Good Friday after service we were deciding whether to go out with the group or just the two of us to cycle. For me, I was waiting for the rest to make a decision, but they were slow in doing so. Q expected and wanted to cycle with me and had little patience to dilly dally. I, on the other hand, was okay to wait, since there was no hurry. However from there the tension began and we began telling each other what we don't like. I didn't like her to be so rigid and that it always seemed I had to follow her plan. She didn't like it that she brought all her attire already only for me not to go ahead. We couldn't, or rather, didn't want to understand each other. At my house, we started giving each other face, and the 1st time we tried talking about it, we couldn't settle and Q stormed out of my room.

I was frustrated as well, and unwillingly took out the bikes to go cycling, while expecting Q to come. She didn't and sat there reading newspapers and chatting with Linda. Actually she didn't want to upset my parents. But by then I was very unhappy and when we cycled, I rode on ahead without talking to her. After a while, I decided that there was no point to cycle with both of us so unhappy. I told her to stop and make a trip home. She was then frustrated. I said both of us are so unwilling to give in to each other for such a small issue. As I tried talking to her a 2nd time, she refused and raised her voice at me, "GO HOME!" Angry, I rode as fast as I could home. I turned behind, and Q didn't follow. I was frustrated that after 2 times of trying to reconcile, I still faced such a unreasonable and not submissive response from her. All the past incidents were brought back as I reminded myself how un-gentle she has always been, and how in the past she is very slow to say sorry to patch up.

I then let her go home herself, and didn't want to chase after her. I had enough of giving in. I wanted her to apologize to me, to realize her mistake as well. We didn't settle this at night, and it was bad as I had to lead worship that Easter Sunday. Both of us didn't feel good at all. Over SMS, Q suggested we break up, and gave me her POSB account and said she would write in to HDB. That was when I told her to meet up.

That Saturday morning, Pastor met me and upon knowing my situation (in general), he told me that men must be more humble to maintain the relationship. I knew then I had to give in, something I didn't want to do. I felt bullied, but I told myself, if Christ had been so patient, so must I. So I went to Q house to talk to her. Deep in my heart I was praying that it would be a quick settlement, that both of us would just stop talking, apologize and make up. Turned out it wasn't that easy.

Q revealed, still unhappy at this time, that I lacked the love for her for not replying her SMSes, and not understanding her that she had a long night the last night, and for not encouraging her when she didn't feel like going to Good Friday convention. As I hear, I realized it was true that I had shown little love for her in these ways. I said sorry. However the atmosphere was still very tense, and Q seemed like she does not want to reconcile. She said she didn't want this to happen again and there is no way we can prevent that. I asked her, "Are you willing to change?" "Are you willing to work with me?" She did not answer. I was desperate. I didn't come here and go home without settling the issue. I thought we could end the quarrel here.

Out of frustration, I raised my voice, "I have worship tomorrow!" Crying, I went into the room. Q came in later, but instead of consoling me, she accused me of not loving her. That was when I had enough and burst into madness. I shouted, "I failed! I'm lousy! What you want me to do?!" as I threw the pillows on the ground, and hit my hands against the wall. I didn't know what else to do. I had never been this crazy. I couldn't get her forgiveness, and I did this out of desperation. This was when Q cried too and came to hug me, saying she didn't want me to be like this. The first time I pushed her away. After a while, seeing her crying, I stopped and wiped her tears. We both said sorry to each other and hugged. I was so relieved it was all over. We prayed together, in tears. But it took us 2 days to reconcile. And we were so slow to forgive each other.

As I said, it looked like a simple quarrel, but it was a hard and heart matter. I had failed to love her properly. Sometimes she needs SMSes and assurances from me, but I took things lightly. She, too, had been slow to forgive, only at the 3rd time I tried did she forgive. I had run out of patience for her to tolerate her stubbornness. Pastor's words reminded me, that however Christ was ridiculed, he did not run out of patience, so how could I? This episode showed us so much of our sins and how we blatantly behaved so unpleasing to God. Our attitudes must change, and the Spirit must change that. It has been a difficult 4 years together, but fact is we are still together by God's grace. I wasn't going to let this go. Frankly speaking, I was tempted to let go. To just put an end to all this nonsense. But I know I was at fault too, and without this relationship, I wouldn't grow, I would still be the unloving self that I was. Now, I pray that God change me to love Q more, that our relationship can see brighter, and happier days.

Be sober-minded and holy (1 Peter 1:13-19)

Here Apostle Peter moves from their problem of suffering to their problem of temptation and indulgences in a foreign land. Previously the Christian exiles have been told that the revelation of Christ would bring ultimate glory to them as they suffer now. Here Peter exhorts the Christians to be 'sober-minded', to be holy, to act with fear, and to obey the truth. For each of these actions, he uses 4 different motivations:

A. The revelation of Jesus Christ prompts us to be sober-minded.

Peter wants the Christians to set their eyes on reality, to think rightly. The ultimate reality isn't their suffering, nor is it the pleasures all around them. These things don't last. Rather, by setting their hope on the last days when Christ comes in victory and in judgment, this is a strong incentive not to indulge in things that appear pleasurable to them now. We are not to think that we can sin now and no consequences would befall us. We are not to create this false sense of safety when God is really against us.


B. Our identity as children of God prompts us to live holy lives as God is holy.

Twice Peter mentions our identity as "obedient children" and as people who "call on the Father who judges impartially". The reasoning is simple: as the Father is holy, so must the child be. Therefore they must set aside sinful passions of their former ignorance.

Three Statements on Suffering (1 Pet 4:19)

Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. (1 Pet 4:19)

Amazing verse, because in suffering we tend to think poorly of God, and wallow in self pity, thinking we had it the worst.

A. Suffering wasn't God's mistake.
B. Suffering doesn't prove God is unfaithful and uncaring.
C. Suffering doesn't give you an excuse to despair and stop the exercise of your gifts and service.

I think the last statement is the most surprising. Peter says that good works is still expected of us during suffering! People-centeredness and other-directedness is still demanded. That is very contrary to how we normally feel when suffering, as we tend to be very self-centered - grumbling, complaining, getting attention about our own suffering. Yet this limits our ability to serve others, in fact, suffering must bring the opposite - if anything it gives us better ability to serve as our faith is strengthened.

Born again to living hope (1 Peter 1:3-12)

What kind of benefits did the Christians enjoy as elect of God? Peter says we are "born again to a living hope". We have been given new life only through the resurrection of Christ from the dead. Without resurrection, there can be no new life and we will still be the old creature. When we are saved, we partake in the life of Jesus: as he was raised from the grave and given life again, so also are we given new life. We are born again. That's who we are now.

The future ahead is one of glory. We are born again to a living hope. Living, because Christ still lives, and as surely as that fact stand, so is the assurance of our hope. We are guaranteed an inheritance that is eternal and cannot fade away, kept in the heavenly realms, the final destination of our spiritual pilgrimage.

Yet now as fragile saints living under the suffering and persecution of this world, we may feel that the future is not that secure. Heaven seems a tad far away sometimes, and sometimes it seems suffering will take the better of us. Peter tells us we are not in it by our own strength. If indeed by our own strength, we will surely fail. Rather, we are kept by God's power which will eventually reveal our final salvation. We will be totally saved at the end, with no more tears and sufferings, by the power of God. It is a living hope we have.

This salvation that we now enjoy must be lived by faith through sufferings. It produces four good things: firstly, our faith through sufferings will be proven genuine. Faith that lasts is true faith, while faith that gives up in the midst of persecution are like the seed that fell not on good soil and is eventually fruitless.

Secondly, faith through suffering becomes more precious. Faith is compared to gold here. Gold eventually perishes, but faith that is refined by suffering is has much more worth: it is shiny and attracts people around us as to the character that we live. Godly character is more readily seen and Christ more readily magnified.

Thirdly, faith through suffering brings us joy. We can rejoice, Peter says, if we keep our eyes fixed on the future salvation that is to come. Otherwise, what's left is only grief when we are fixed only on our temporal problems. But for the Christian suffering is always grief-joy affair. There must be nothing so difficult that we despair of the trials we go through, unless the Christian has lost his fixation on the power of God. If God will finally give us full salvation, will he not bring you through this trial too? He has done that which is more difficult!

Lastly, and most gloriously, faith through suffering eventually brings praise and glory and honor at the final salvation. Peter says, the outcome of our faith is the salvation of your souls. Though you may be beaten, mocked, taken advantage of in this life, the final end will be glorious. The description of faith is this: that you do not see Jesus now, yet we love him and we believe in him with joy. At the very end, Jesus will be revealed right before our eyes. And there will be praise - praise for God who has mightily brought us through. There will be glory - glory of the coming Jesus, as well as glory for us, as we are given new imperishable bodies and a perfect soul. There will be honor - the Master will reward the faithful servant and he receives a crown of everlasting life.

There is no doubt though that Peter's emphasis is not the quality of our faith that eventually brings us through, but rather the glorious work of God. The salvation we have received, Peter says, is glorious: it is served unto us by the prophets preceding us, it is delivered by the gospel through the Holy Spirit from heaven, and finally it is something that even the angels long to ponder.

What great salvation that we are born again to a living hope!