This church camp at Thistle hotel brought tears to both Q and I.
I was really upset that she seemed to be spending time with her sisters and leaving me out of it. I was always finding out what she's doing from people around me and not directly from her. Every day we barely talked a few sentences. Even when she's changing rooms, or not coming to sessions, I don't know it, and keep wondering where she is, enjoying herself without me. All this happened while I was frustrated with the level of 'fellowship' shown with the guys, which, as usual is all play and no talk. I have come to a point where I will just let it be, and won't expect a lot. The only thing I really enjoyed is my talks with Bro Pulesi. And the thought of returning to school for FYP after a not so enjoyable trip frustrated me further.
So I gave Q a very cold long face that night I saw her. She was with her sisters in a new room that I just found out. Even later that night, I found out she was playing boardgames with other bro and sisters, without inviting me. I was really upset and wanted to stay in my room to play PS3. I went anyway, when E asked me along. Why is it not my girlfriend who think of me, to spend time with them? I cannot understand. I guess Q was just distracted and did not have me in mind. I went over, and when she saw me, I didn't want to look her in the face. In my mind I was thinking, "So you are enjoying all these without asking me." After a while, I have no mood to play, so I returned to my room.
Next morning, Q sensed something wrong and came to apologize to me and sat with me, at the expense of her sisters complaining about it. I know it is very hard for her to choose, and I don't need her to sit with me. Just treat me normally, talk to me like a couple does, and occasionally appear in front of others as a couple. However, I was unhappy throughout the whole camp we are behaving like singles, and in my case even like normal bro and sis when I don't know what she's doing.
The unhappiness built up in me til the last day. I really cannot take it when she left the bus with her sisters, and I was behind. I thought she would wait for me. So again, I gave her a very black face and complained. Q broke down and cried. We walked away and reached a Nonya restaurant after some time. Even over there, she added to my frustration by not replying properly whether she wished to eat there.
Over there I heard her side of story. I had not communicated my displeasure to her properly and instead showed it by my facial expressions. I also did not tell her why I'm actually unhappy during camp so she thought I was alright. I had expected her to come to me. I think I really wanted her to put my first and test her whether she could do that. Q actually has a good heart for her sisters, and I am not helping her by being like this. Q also said I was not sensitive to her needs and did not protect her.
We patched up at Jonker street. However, on the way home on bus, Q came and told me that she might take a bus halfway home. I replied, "Okay, thanks for informing." I meant it as a joke but obviously to her she thought it was sarcastic, as if I am bringing up what happened. I was being thoughtless with my words. Q was so affected that right after we reached TCPC she left alone in a cab. I still thought nothing was wrong and let her go home herself. Deep down she expected me as bf to bring her home. I was being unsensitive to her.
I realized something was wrong when she did not pick up my calls. She said she was hurt and disappointed by me the last 3 years, and I did not learn from my mistakes at all. If I couldn't do simple things for her, I can't do bigger things. I tried saying sorry but it was no use. I knew I needed to change. Q said she was considering giving up the r/s because I keep hurting her emotionally. I immediately went to her house and we talked after some time. Thank God for allowing us to reconcile. It was not a very happy camp, but at least God taught both of us lessons we would remember. It will always be messy with 2 sinners come together. We will always be hurt time and again, but if we truly love each other, we will stick together no matter what in faithfulness.
My prayer:
Lord, help me to be sensitive to Q's needs and protect her when necessary. Help me not to be self-centered and in my own world but see and feel what's she's feeling. Forgive me that I have not loved her sacrificially and have done little things for her. Forgive me I have taken her for granted many times, and treated her unkindly and with vengeful spirit. Help me to communicate well with her and take the initiative to talk things out.
What I hope to see Q change:
1. Spend more time with me as a couple in front of others
2. Be more gentle in speech even when she is angry
3. Not to put ministry above me
4. Spend more time doing activities with me
