That's the title of one of Paul Tripp's book. It was referring to relationships, a mess worth making. I hadn't read that book yet (maybe in future), but right now, in fact, after every quarrel, it just doesn't seem to be true. It seems not worth having such a mess.
So I quarreled with Q today again. I fell asleep while at her house, twice in a week, and she was upset and refused to talk to me while on our way to Charis in church. It really frustrates me that often this happens. She would give no thought to the impact of her ignoring me, on my teaching, and having to last through two hours without her support. I really felt sian to teach. And often before I have to teach, we have to quarrel. I went through the teaching anyway today, by God's grace, but visibly Q was in no mood to participate. At one point she very impatiently asked, "Read where?" when I asked her to read. I didn't feel she was there to support me at all. I felt very discouraged.
After everything, I tried to talk to her. It always frustrates me that I have to be the one to give in, though sometimes I think it's not entirely my fault and that she has over-thought things or was over-sensitive. I really felt like refusing to give in, because always giving in might only result in her getting more self-centered, and thinking it is alright to be like this (ignoring me) everytime. Q seldom says sorry after a quarrel (almost never), and I am always the one to do so. It sometimes make me wonder why there is so much pride in her, that even after saying sorry she will take very long to finally agree to forgive. Shouldn't Christians be quick to forgive?
What discouraged me even more is that she commented that she found it hard to hear me teach or go to church because of me. I still don't quite get what she mean, but it is definitely very hurting to hear that. At Parkway she told me to go home and stop following her. I hung around a while thinking through what had happened. After a while I called her, thinking that perhaps she might have felt better to talk. But when I went back, she still gave that long and black face, and refused to say anything when I asked her what to eat. She said that I don't know what she want. Yet by not telling me so, she is not helping at all. We finally talked at Banquet.
I listened, and do agree that I need to be less uptight with my work. I need to also listen and be more sensitive to her. What I cannot agree is how she keep bringing up the fact that I fell asleep at her house, since I don't do that often, and the last time was because I really wanted to meet her though I was tired. I felt though she keep saying she will support me, it wasn't the case. If I have a choice, definitely I won't want to do my tedious lab work! It is hard to have to face lab work, and come back still she does not truly understand or support me.
Yes, I need to be less uptight, but praying for me will help me. In fact, I think things are already slightly better than a few weeks ago.
Our miscommunication is a result of us wanting to have it our own ways. And when it doesn't happen, we flare up and get frustrated. It saddened me that Q cannot bear with my tiredness. Love is about bearing all things (1 Cor 13), especially when she knows I have no bad intention - I certainly did not intend to sleep, but to enjoy good company with her! I also hope she can be more forgiving and not always dwell on these things.
Tomorrow is the eve of her birthday. At the rate things are going, I'm not sure if she wants to talk tomorrow. I have some things planned for her. Not fantastic, maybe boring to her, but I did it out of love. I hope things get better tomorrow, and when she has cooled down, we can talk and pray over what to change.
Relationship is a mess because you are putting two sinful people together, and they both want their own ways. But it is a mess worth making, when God rescues us from ourselves. May we repent.
